Unleashed Thoughts

grabe…it’s been more than 2 weeks regarding all this trash talk..almost everyday, i hear something new about whatever issue they’re making out of all this….GRRRRRRRR!!!

it saddens me that i am surrounded by Über judgmental people…everyday is a struggle…it’s everyday that i carry this cross. it’s everyday that i am always tempted to say something out of character…feeling ko na nga purgang-purga na ang mga friends ko sa school sa araw-araw nalang na paglalabas ko ng sama ng loob sa kanila regarding this matter. all this has been stressing me out. everytime i hear something new, kahit na okay na ko during the day, but the moment i hear something new about all this, bumabalik ang stress…i’ve been losing weight, because of all the emotional stress..(i like losing the weight, but i don’t like the reason why i’m losing it..) talamak na rin ang uban ko…dumami sila actually…

bakit ba kasi nila pinipilit na yung mga obserbasyon nila ang valid? they don’t know anything…they no nothing! NOTHING!!! it’s so frustrating na talaga…my brothers are my worst critics they would be more than willing to tell me if they see that my actions are not right. they are always ready to say if i’m being a bitch, i’m being annoying, or maarte, or unwomanly. given that i have one brother who sees me in the same setting as those judgmental people, i have found comfort in the fact that he sees nothing wrong with me/what i’m doing.

people are so quick to judge…it sucks….sooooooo much! it has come to a point that paranoia has started to kick in…seriously…

and i feel that no matter how hard i try to tell them my side, they won’t even consider it because they already have their minds set. ever since my 3rd year in high school, i had close Christian guy friends. there have been some who i did like while i was friends with them..but i treated them all the same…and knew that they were my brothers in the Lord.  unlike what some other people may think, being raised in a family with 3 brothers did not at all make me distant to the three of them. in fact, the relationship i have with my brothers, although not perfect, is very very very close.  and i am glad that my brothers don’t see me as fragile.  because of this kind of background, i’ve never found it a problem to talk to any guy, whether i liked them or not, and whether they were of the same faith or not.  kaya ako naiinis kasi it obviously goes to show that the people who pass judgments do not know me at all…

i have always tried to be friendly to other people, guys and girls alike.  i never did like sitting next to someone (knowing we belong to the same org, church, class in school)  without even trying to strike up a conversation with them…kahit small talk lang.   now i realize that my blessing of being congenial and comfortable with other people has become a curse. pero sabi nga ni aika, hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon maiiintindihan ka ng mga taong nakakakita sayo…sa mga pagkakataon tulad nito ko nakikita ang kahalagahan ng pagpapahalaga sa sarili…at kaya rin siguro ako sobrang apektado kasi iba ang tingin sa kin ng ibang tao…although, i know that the only view of me that is valid is God’s view of me, tao lang din naman ako…nagiging praning din sa tingin ng iba..

right now, i tried reflecting on how i act towards my close guy friends in school (all Christian, by the way and all from the CCC movement… trivia: CCC is kinda conservative when it comes to boy-girl relationships/friendships and proximity. i have a friend who was told to keep his distance from us girl movers kasi medyo nagiging uncomfortable ang staff…pero since we girl movers know na he’s really like that na touchy and expressive, hindi naman namin nilalagyan ng malice) anyway…back to my point. in school, i talk to my guy friends na kahit kami lang, i joke around with them, i seek their help at times, i hug them, pinapalo ko sila kapag nang-aasar sila (hahaha! brutal! inde..ganun lang talaga:D), i make faces at them, tinatali ko hair nila (lalo na yung mga nagfifiling na long hair! hahaha!) harutan, kilitian….then i reflected on how i was acting around the people who could see me sa ibang context naman…pretty much the same…except for pamamalo at pangingiliti, wala naman masyadong physical contact…

this just really goes to show…they really don’t know me…at all. 

i’m looking forward to a good semester this sem(^_^) lotsa learning to acquire!hehehe…

my schedule permits me to actually come home to las pinas from school everyday…although waking up early enough to get to school on time is a struggle, but i’ll (hopefully) get used to it.

i only have one major subject this semester–FLCD 137 (which is unfortunately my 7 o’clock class during mondays and thursdays).  FLCD 137’s course title is Parenting. You probably are wondering why i have such a class. according to my professor, my degree program needs parenting to be able to understand the parents of the children we teach.  After all, if we are going to work in partnership with the children’s family, knowing parenting styles, and actually adapting some for classroom management can help. (i’m sorry if this sounds boring -_- ) my prof in this subject is Dr. Aurorita Roldan, a.k.a. Teacher Yoyit. she was also my teacher for our FLCD 10 (that’s the intro to Child Dev’t). My friends and i are hoping that she’d be a better teacher this sem, because the last time we were her students, we all disliked her method of teaching…(although now she seems better)

i also have 1 SPEd subject–EDSP 123.  Also known as Early Intervention for Exceptional Students.  Teacher Ginny Garde seems nice, and very knowledgeable about the subject, so hopefully i’ll actually learn something from her.  my last SPEd teacher (in their 101 course) was also nice and knowledgeable, but i had a hard time learning in class, basically because she couldn’t transfer her knowledge…(come to think of it, that sucked)..another Educ subject i’m taking this semester is EDART 115: Art Production in Basic Art Education.  dito ako kinakabahan..this course, on the other hand, has alot to do with drawing plates…DRAWING! i SUCK at drawing…BIG TIME!(T_T) if only it weren’t required!!! huhuhuhu… but i prefer Art Education over CTRA 13–crafts…(x.X) i’m not a craftsy person…and i’d rather hone the minute drawing skills i have. one thing that worries me though is that, according to my prof’s students last semester, the highest grade she gave in her class last semester was a measly 2.00! (@_@) oh well….que sera sera!–>is this how i should be taking this?! (why am i even arguing with myself?…okay…i’m going loco here…)

FN 110 naman is Food, Nutrition and Society. It’s interesting…it’s food! hahaha..and prof. Callanta manages to enliven the class. she’s not boring at all…that’s why i don’t really mind the three-hour class…the three hours are fun naman eh..hehehe..and we ARE talking about food! hehehehe…

then there’s PI 100 (no, that’s not an abbreviation for any curse a hundred times..) PI 100 is actually known in most schools as Rizal…this is actually an interesting course, considering the fact that most UP faculty and students do not really think that Jose Rizal should be the National hero…to which side i belong? i don’t really know yet. i’m probably somewhere in the middle leaning to the side of not really considering Rizal as the national hero..i’ll let you know whether or not i take a side by the end of the semester.  anyway, i have a very good prof in this class, and disequilibrium seems to occur in my cognition every class meeting…(oooh..epistaxis! hahaha…)

then there’s PanPil 17 which is Panitikan at Kulturang Popular. my instructor here is so funny and confusing…di mo na alam kung seryoso siya o hindi. during our first meeting, sir andrada said "okay, 33 kayo sa klase, hahatiin natin sa anim na grupo para sa susunod na linggo meron na kayong mapapakitang play, pelikula, o kaya naman radio ad" everyone was so quiet then he went "joke lang" (^_^)> so this morning in class when he said "pababasahin ko kayo ng nasa 200 pages na readings" and to verify i had to ask "sir, seryoso kayo diyan?" i was wishing he wasn’t…he actually was. (-_-")
one  more thing about this class, we’re actually REQUIRED to watch Pinoy Big Brother and Panday (nooooo!!!! i don’t watch Pinoy Big Brother, and Panday! and i think those shows are aired on late-night television…i cannot stay up late anymore or else i might not get to any of my classes in the morning!T_T darn..)

the remaining class i have this semester is….*chadan!* English 1! hahaha…Basic English! hahahaha! i’ve been actually trying to get this subject since my first year in college, only after 2 years was i able to get it! my prof is kinda intimidating. she’s an editor for one of the leading broadsheets in the country.  she seems kind naman, but her Guidelines for the Class is kinda scary…if you want to read them yourself check http://www.livejournal.com/~declfernandez
my english skills aren’t as good as they used to be, so i’m hoping that this’ll be a refresher course…

excess baggage:

siya nga pala, hindi ako nagpapakaipokrita nung sinabi kong hindi ako nanonood ng Pinoy Big Brother..hindi ko rin alam ang oras ng pagpapalabas nito, kaya kung sino man ang may mabuting loob na nakaaalam, pakisabi nalang sakin kung tuwing kailan ito pinalalabas, lalo na yung elimination night…

it’s back to school for me…i’m taking 21 units this semester to lighten my load next year (yipes! graduating na ko next year!!!) i know 21 units to nursing students and for students in other universities is no big deal…in my school, it isn’t din naman but it’s overload already. (oo..overload na)

anywho, why did i want to update my blog? i figured i haven’t given you the update on my previous entry. well, up ’til now, i still don’t know why my friend(?) is mad at me and i don’t think i won’t find out ever. this could actually be the start of a decaying friendship…it sucks, but if it has to be, then so be it. i’ve done my part of reaching out…now i understand why they say "friends may come and go". masaklap, oo. pero kung nagawa mo na lahat ng pwede mong gawin, hayaan mo nalang..i’ve decided to let that matter go, it’s no use being bothered by something like it anymore.

okay sana kung yun lang ang pinroblema ko…pero hanggang ngayon, mayroon pa ring bumabagabag sa loob ko. at may kinalaman ulit ‘to sa ibang tao…ang hirap magpakumbaba kung alam mo naman na wala kang kasalanan…hindi ako galit. naiinis lang ako sa ganong klaseng asal. chaka kung may problema ka sakin, bakit mo pa ipagkakalat sa ibang tao? bakit di mo nalang ako kausapin diba?  diba?!?! (calma micah, calma…) en por dat, pag may mga hinanakit kayo sakin, pakisabi nalang sakin para maresolbahan natin kaagad at magkaroon tayo ng kapayapaan(^_^)

it sucks to be carrying extra baggage in school, considering classes just started. badtreef…

but in all these, i am still looking forward to the good that this will all bear, after all, God works for the good of those who love Him…(^_^) and that’s one thing really worth looking forward to.Ü

i don’t know why, but my back, my nape and my shoulders are aching.  not to mention, my head aches as well. i don’t feel so well at all. i feel sick…but i can’t be sick! nooo!!! i still have a retreat to go to!!! i can’t be sick!!! huhuhu..i don’t want to miss the retreat!! noooo!!!!(ToT)

aside from the physical discomfort i am currently experiencing, something else of a non-physical nature is bothering me. 

how would you feel if someone you were so close with before just seems to be closing the door on your friendship? and you have no idea at all why the person is doing so?  once a close friend, now distant. someone you used to share almost everything with, now seems to be a stranger. magtatanong ka kung anong problema, kung bakit siya galit, tapos ang isasagot lang sayo "…" chaka "kalimutan mo na". ano ba yun? seryoso, di ko alam kung anong ginawa ko na ikinagalit niya, ayaw niya naman sabihin.

i feel so crappy..physically and emotionally.  aaack…