Unleashed Thoughts

i don’t even know where to start…i have so many thoughts swimming in my head, i’m finding it difficult to actually catch one and dwell on it.

2005 in review:
-i turned 18
-i had my practicum
-i ended a "pseudo-relationship"
-i was reintroduced to someone i knew from 7-8 years ago and i got to know the person alot better
-i fell in love…with God once again and recommitted my life to Him (all aspects–yes, including my love life)
-i’ve probably lost some friends…but i strengthened my bonds with those i have right now
-i realized how blessed i am to have my hexagon buddies who have stuck with me through thick and thin, through all the good and the bad, through my taray bouts and mood swings (so to aika, aura, jez, lester and sars i don’t want to sound cheesy, but i really am blessed to have you in my life. i am thankful that you guys aren’t afraid of telling me off when you know i am wrong, and i am thankful that you support me and encourage me when i need it most..this is just a snippet..i’ll probably give you guys a letter when school kicks in…take note: probably=D)
-i have also been blessed with a great accountability group under ate emmylou, then ate ellen –two women who have greatly made an impact in my life –thank you.  my DG mates: karla, twinkle, leeloo, ate flo, and melissa — thank you my dear sisters for all the love and support especially when i needed much counselling for my soul–for my entire well being. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-the love for my family has grown stronger everyday of this year..especially during the later half of the year. i love my brothers, though they may not be overprotective of me, i know they have my best interest at heart…even if it means having to be a bit harsh on me to give me grave reality checks. i love my mom as she is always there for me…for the wisdom she always shares, for the trust that she has given me, and for the respect that she has shown me. i love my dad–the trust he has in me is something i am eternally grateful for…and so is his faith in me, in my abilities and in my talents.
-i have so much to thank God for the past year — that i am still sane..that i am still here making this entry…that i am His… that He will never leave me…that He already has a great plan for my life…and that everything He does is in His best interest for me. it may sometimes be hard to swallow that what we want for ourselves isn’t what is given us, but when God says no, He is actually saying yes to something better. i’d like to think of it this way: it’s like wanting a kubo when God will actually be giving you a mansion.
-as the year ended, i was reminded that everything on earth is temporary. and that death is real. and i’ve realized, so many people are so afraid of something so natural, because of the fear of the possibility of going to hell…but let me tell you something. you can actually be ensured of going to heaven, because Christ died for your sins at the cross at Calvary.  through His blood, we are cleansed…our slate cleared of every impurity we have done, are doing, and will still do…only if you Ask for forgiveness (once you ask for forgiveness, God forgives you of ALL your sins..don’t think that you’re not worthy of God’s love, because that’s pride talking…you can’t believe that God can forgive you because you can’t forgive yourself), Believe in the power of Jesus’ Name (Jesus means Savior, Christ means Annointed One — by annointed we mean the one and only..so putting them together would mean the one and only Savior)  ookay–so why  His name you ask..it’s because if you just say that you believe in Jesus i hate to break it to you, but even the Satan’s demons believe in Jesus…they just don’t believe in His Name–or more accurately…in the power of His Name.  Conform to God’s ways…it says in the Bible, anyone who is in Christ is a new creation…we shouldn’t  be doing things we know we shouldn’t do…(although i definitely know how hard this is to do)..just to let you know, doing good deeds is not what saves us from the fiery pits of hell (or as some would rather call it the lake of fire), but because we are saved by faith through God’s grace that we should do good works.  doing good works should be the done OUT OF LOVE FOR GOD, because if you do them to be saved…efforts will always be futile.

i don’t know what’s in store for me in 2006, but what i do know is that God has His hand over me.  in all that i will be doing, in all my endeavors…in all aspects of my life. 

anyway, i’ll end it at this…may this year be better than the last–for all of us!=)

to answer kuya aboy’s question, i am okay now and my mind is definitely clear. thanks to the help of ate ellen, my discipler. i asked her how i would know if i were already being bitter. after telling me how bitterness works, nasa palagay nako na hindi nga ako bitter. although yes, i WAS hurt and the people DID hurt me, but that did not mean that i was bitter. yes i grieved, i allowed myself to do so. i am only human, and i can get hurt. but just to let everyone know, i am okay. i have been okay for the past 2 weeks (i think…or past week) basta, i’m okay now. nadisappoint lang talaga ako sa mga taong nakadulot ng sakit sakin, pero maayos na ngayon. i have definitely been given peace.(^_^) and the peace that God has given me, talagang napakatamis!=)
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malapit na pasukan ko ulit…so sad..i go back to school on january 2..if sir andrada sticks to his word that we will be having class, i’ll be going back to school on the 2nd…aye..that sucks..

but anyway, as it is still the holiday season and the 2nd is still a week from now, i’ll try to enjoy whatever is left of my vacation from school.

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this Christmas was different. it seemed to me i got more presents than i did last year, but for some reason, Christmas was no longer as joyous as it used to be.  the joy has transferred from opening presents to finding the right gift for someone. and since i was low on funds, i couldn’t buy anything for anyone! (there we go..i think that’s the reason why this Christmas wasn’t as fun as last year!)

but some things remain to be constant every Christmas–that it’s great to spend it with people you love.=) and that the reason why we give and receive gifts is because God gave the greatest gift of all on that first Christmas…His one and only Son to take us out of the kingdom of darkness to bring us into His kingdom.=)

nilalangaw na ‘tong blog ko..haha..

oh well, i’m blogging for it’s therapeutic effect on me. People commenting is just an added bonus.

could it be possible to not be totally aware of how you feel towards another person? especially if the person has done something wrong against you (or at least that’s how you feel they’ve been to you). magulo ba? it’s like this…you can’t really say that you’re angry at that person, but you are well aware that you’ve definitely been hurt by that person. *groping for words here*

hindi ka naman bitter, pero naiinis ka. nasaktan ka, pero hindi ka naman galit.  hindi ka naman galit, pero nadidisappoint ka.  kasi seryoso, hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko patungo sa taong nagdulot ng sakit sa loob ko.  meron din namang indifference (yata).  yun bang "eh nagawa ko na lahat ng magagawa ko para makipag-ayos, problema na niya yun" –>galit ba yan? hindi ko talaga alam…

siguro dala ito ng pagkakulang ko sa pagiisa… maari nga…ah basta ang gulo gulo!

how can you validate how you feel about a certain conflict with someone, when you’re not even certain about how you feel towards the person? ang laboooo….

i need clarity of mind…(’di ba obvious?)